OUR NEW NORMAL
This song has been whirling about in the soundtrack of my brain for so many days now.
Is this my subconscious? Or my friend Tracy sending me a message?
Come on. Get Happy.
It’s hard to believe its been 2 months since she passed away.
I have learned through this that grief ebbs & flows. I have dealt with loss in the past but never before has it been with that in-your-bones heartache that comes with an unexpected death. I keep holding on to a wish that she will come back. That this somehow has simply been some sort of gross misunderstanding. But lately, as I come out of my fog, I know that I need to let go. I know that I have to somehow admit that she is gone.
I have had a tremendously difficult time managing through this. Writing a post has seemed trivial, talking on social silly, and somehow finding the words to get back in to the right place weren’t coming.
Instead I just lived in a deep cloud.
But this is so not me.
And I know its not what Tracy would have wanted.
So I am taking steps to get out this funk & back to life. Back to reality.
(See what I did there? Anyone want to break out in a little Fresh Prince of Bel Air? 🙂
I look at life so differently now.
I am so aware of time. How much of it there is, how its spent. Life seems far more fragile and I find myself wanting to focus on where to spend it and how it will make us happy.
I am completely intrigued by the Human Connection (Thank you Amanda Palmer), of being gentle and kind to one another, of taking the time to pay it forward. I am working on finding gratitude in every day and finding a healthy lifestyle to set my intentions to (Thank you Dai Manuel).
I love exploring new worlds. Whether that’s a new path at the cottage or a whole new country. To me, those moments of discovery are what makes me whole. They are the moments I am most happy. My amazing husband gets that and just let’s me go with the plan on where we are going next.
I am on my way back.
I still cry most days about Tracy. But these days I see her a bit differently. Her tilted head, signature shoulder shrug, brilliant smile and gentle giggle saying “Come on, Get Happy will ya?”
Working on it T. Working on it.
Its tough to have someone in distress, and where the cure isn’t in your hands. You can be there for them, support them, take care of the day to day stuff, but when it comes to the timelines for healing, its out of your control. and that part sucks. Might be a guy thing: you always want to fix everything. It makes it especially difficult when Jenn wants to just talk, not solve. It’s not in my makeup, but you go with your gut and try. It’s all you can do.
I can’t repair the loss of Tracy. I can help find a voice for her sadness, and I can make sure there is food in the fridge and we don’t forget the kids at school. But its up to Jenn to discover the new normal. She is trying. She understands that it’s a one shot life, and you have to make the best of it. My job in all this is to remind her that there is light and goodness too, and that you need to take the time for that stuff as well, or the rest of it isn’t worth it.